you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
