I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Randomize
