God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
