I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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