I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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