He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
