We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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