Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
