She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
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