my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
