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Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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