You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize
