sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
