I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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