I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
