I want to make a zoo with you.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
