I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
i love accidental penises.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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