So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
