I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
All I want is dick and wine.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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