I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
