i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I said "one day" and that day is not today
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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