I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
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