i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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