I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
