I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Randomize
