I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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