Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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