haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Randomize
