I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
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