I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Randomize
