Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
