apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Randomize
