Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
