chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
