So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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