If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
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