My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
