bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
