I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
