Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Randomize
