I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
