tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
