My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
