Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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