...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
