my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Randomize
