You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
