I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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