I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
