I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
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